Down the Rabbit Hole
Kypris
January 7th, 2007
“Dear dear! How queer everything is today! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I’ve been changed in the night? Let me think, was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I’m not the same, the next question is, who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle!”
–Lewis Carroll, “Alice in Wonderland”
In my own journey to unite my heart and my sexuality into something that resembles wholeness I often feel like Alice in Wonderland. I just don’t feel like myself. But guess what? That’s because the who and the what and the how of who I am are all changing constantly if I am truly doing my life as a tantric practice and truly living in the moment. If life is only a journey, and I strive to be in the moment, and to be whole, then change is to be expected, as well as that queer feeling of being an alien in my own body.
So when did I go down the rabbit hole? That’s what I keep wondering lately. When did life become so strange and wonderful? A while back I decided that I could no longer live a life that didn’t express the fullness of who I am. Step by step, decision by decision, I have created a life that is more and more what I want for myself. Most of the decisions I have made have been small ones, like how to spend my time on a particular night. But over time, holding to my intention to be fully who I am and to make each decision based on that has created a very large shift in my life. Osho is quoted as saying that if we are truly tantric, we should be able and willing to make love to anyone we meet. Staying in the open heart and cultivating that kind of openness to the world is a very difficult process in which I often feel fear, doubt, and pain. When the heart is open, we no longer shield ourselves from the world. For me this meant that for the first time I was fully experiencing pain. Sometimes the pain has been devastating. And yet by opening myself to this pain I have also opened myself to heights of joy and bliss. Somehow, when we armor against pain, we also armor against other emotions. Feeling is not a selective process.
In this willingness to feel, in this openness of heart, I have begun to feel not like myself, and sometimes that is extremely frightening. There have been days when I literally felt like an alien in the wrong body. Keeping myself moving forward, moving through this wonderland where every sexual connection is a communion not only with my partner, but with God, is sometimes terrifying. Sometimes there is more energy in my body than I feel able to hold and I worry that I will spontaneously combust. At these times, rest, caring for my body, moving my body in dance, and doing rejuvenating activities that I enjoy is really helpful.
In lovemaking, this “not myself” feeling is most pronounced. I find that I can no longer predict how any particular sexual encounter will play out, because I no longer enter a sexual experience with any expectations. And yet I’m always surprised at how different the experiences are from the time before and the time before that. This morning, for instance, I woke in the arms of my lover feeling tired and achy, after a restless night. I really felt my immune system working to fight off a virus, and sex was really the last thing on my mind. My lover let me sleep, and then bathe, knowing from his experience of me that I am likely to shift my desire for lovemaking once I am centered. I was unaware of any future expectation from him, simply moving through my day, being in the present, nurturing myself. And suddenly he came to me and started caressing me and I was instantly aroused. I found myself feeling surprised, wondering “Who is it that is feeling aroused?” “Is it really me? Shouldn’t I be lying in bed resting and feeling sick?”
But I know from experience that tantric sex stimulates the immune system and almost always leaves me feeling energized. So I sank into the pleasure of the moment, allowing him to give to me, allowing myself to totally receive him–his love for me, his desire, his strength, his energy. As I pulled all this love into my body through his touch on my skin and his connection to my yoni, I noticed how different I was feeling. And again I wondered, “Who is this person who can get so deeply sexual when they’re sick?” Shortly I stopped wondering and sank into the moment once again. And sure enough, by the time we were through, I was energized and ready to go to work. All the achiness and feeling ill had left me. I moved through my day with passion and purpose, easily accomplishing my errands and completing my work goals.
I am different, not the person I was yesterday, or even the person I was 5 minutes ago. I know I am here on this earth to explore, to learn, and to grow. I am here to love, to create beauty, to add to the culture of humanness. And I know that each of us on our journey has something amazing to contribute when we become creatures of the moment, who flow with divine grace, and emit radiance.
Namaste, Kyrpis
Shamanic tantra is a spiritual journey into a passionate creative life that includes a full and rich sexual connection to God. Initiated on this path by a powerful shamanic healer, Kypris has journeyed in search of spiritual wisdom, beauty, and the open heart through many places on Mother Earth: walking the witch-hunting hills of Salem, MA; bathing in the healing waters of Tahiti and Hawaii, and making love to the austere deserts of Sedona and Anza-Borrego. With the roots of her spiritual practice in Wicca, Kypris was led to tantra through visions of Aphrodite and Shiva, and transformed through solo practice of ritual, energy channeling, bellydance, and yoga. Led to her tantric partner by a powerful shamanic dream, Kypris practices tantra today in tandem, and works as a spiritual coach, healer, and teacher. Kypris holds a master's degree in Molecular Biology and Biochemistry, as well as a master's degree in Counseling Psychology, and is an initiated HeartWisdom Tantric Priestess. She is the author of the forthcoming Journey to Sexual Wholeness, The Six Gateways to Tantric Sexuality.
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